Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
