I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
