So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
