Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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