New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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