Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
