I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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