Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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