Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
