'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
