I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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