i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
