is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
