No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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