The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
