Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
