I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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