remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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