How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He passed out mid-signature
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
