Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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