You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
