So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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