I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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