Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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