Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
3pm strippers are depressing
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
