Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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