I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I could make wine with my vomit
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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