I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
