I cannot find my penis.
I think I won the penis lottery.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
