Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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