I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
