Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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