I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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