kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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