I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
