My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
two words...techno handjob
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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