I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
