First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
