Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
