If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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