Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
