At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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