just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
