how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
