Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
