I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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