Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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