im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
