The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
