I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
