i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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