Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
