What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
