Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
