I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
