If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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