went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
