I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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