I'll bet she douches with gravy.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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