Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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