I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
