i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
