i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
