Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
But theres a keg here and me gusta
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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