If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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