I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just high enough for therapy.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Damn victory sex feels great
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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