Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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