i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
